Stability as a destabilizing force
or what being 31 sometimes feels like
You’re trying to approach everything with a balance that doesn’t come naturally. Not too much passion or patience. Not too closed off or vulnerable. Not too desperate or detached. Reminders you mutter to yourself several times a day. But you’ve never had the grace of a ballerina—never oozed effortlessness. You’ve never been the type to do something right the first try.
It’s the passing of years that compelled you to make the change, truth be told. When you finally clued in to the fact that, after a while, your inability to keep a leash on the most animalistic parts of yourself becomes a little embarrassing. When the eye rolls became more apparent, the sympathy pats less and less so. You’re not “doing it for the plot” anymore, babe, you actually lack accountability and self-control. You’re not a fun mess, but a liability mess.
At least the astrology girlies say you should be good at this, what with your Libra Moon and all. But this is so far from what you know that your knees wobble like a baby’s with each forward movement. Making a decision is almost impossible when putting pressure on the gas is just as impactful to the outcome as pulling the brakes. And so, this new state of balance is actually throwing you for a loop.
You try to keep a lid on old patterns because you promised yourself you’d learn to love what is good. That you’d really try this time. You just didn’t realize it would require so much effort, so much deliberateness. Well, what did you expect when your inner child holds a self-destruct button for a toy? At least in chaos, you were too distracted by the house fire to notice that you had already burned down the forest. At least in exile, the rest of the world couldn’t touch you. But this, this is different—fresh ground. And your desires, though familiar, are unrecognizable in their lighter, more vibrant clothes.
You wonder why you ever thought this was gonna be easy, when balance was always a circus performer walking a tightrope. When a stable thing always meant one that which could carry the load without faltering. When, in all your past lives, you likened steadiness to a flat line.
